By the time I was 21, I had attempted suicide three times and somehow was unsuccessful. I was so frustrated with God because I had a strong desire to leave this earth and end the dead-end life I was leading.
At the age of 11, I knew I was struggling within. Tears seemed to flow for no reason at all and I could never overcome this uninvited presence of sadness. My parents wouldn’t accept it; in their eyes, I was all right. It seemed like life just stayed dark no matter what I did. I ended up covering up this darkness with whatever I could - I went from suicide attempts to binge drinking and partying and then, when that no longer satisfied, I begin cutting.
I had attended church all my life but I had no relationship with Christ. I used and abused his grace, saying to myself that he would always be there. I lived a life of pure and, at many times, unapologetic rebellion. I am honestly amazed that I am here today.
For many women, motherhood changes their lives, but becoming a mother saved mine. There are a few acts I give credit to like love, truth, and forgiveness that changed my life. Nevertheless, I can say that giving birth to my beautiful, energetic daughter was part of God’s plan to help save me from myself.
When I found out I was pregnant, the doctor presented me with two options: stay on my meds or get off during my pregnancy. I had been taking these antidepressants to get me through the day, to quiet my anxiety, and the darkness within myself. The meds had become my lifeline. But the antidepressants could have side effects on my baby, so I didn’t hesitate - I came off of them immediately.
During those nine months I was not dependant on meds and instead held onto every kick, toss, and turn within me, allowing her movements to remind me of why I am persisting; my anxiety attacks were quickly mended when I felt her move. There were times when I would get scared and believe she was not breathing and right then she would reassure me through a kick or move. I clung dearly to the doctors’ visits and the heartbeats that she shared through the sonogram.
When my daughter was born, she stared silently at me. Immediately I knew she would change my perspective and play a major part in my healing. The environment of my mind began to change. My life was no longer my own - I made her life bigger than mine. Despite my daily battle of loving and being loved, I God reminded me, through her, how much others love me. I looked into her face every day, and it was like she spoke for everyone, saying “We love you and you mean something to someone”.
She reminded me of who I was as a child. She reminded me how fun life was and how extraordinary it is to see life through the view of a child's lens.
My daughter, combined with God’s grace, mercy, and love, provided the supernatural medicine to “just be” again. Instead of letting the diagnosis of clinical depression step on me, I used it as a stepping stone. She was light and strength in my life; she gave me the courage to wade through the darkness and into the light.
I believe many of us can find a speck of light in our lives if we look hard enough. This doesn’t make the depression, the anxiety, the fear, or the darkness go away automatically but eventually it causes you to see your battle with an entirely different perspective. I applaud and encourage you to see outside of yourself and your darkness and take your courageous next step. This is no easy task, but is one that makes life infinitely better.
Know that, as you journey through this life, we are cheering you on - you can do this and you are worth it!
October 1st-7th is National Mental Illness Awareness Week where people all over the nation speak openly about, raise awareness for, and eliminate stigma from conditions that millions of Americans face every day.
At We are Unveiled there is no judgement and no stigma - we love you and support you no matter your past or current struggles. We have come from and through many things ourselves; our stories include depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders, suicide attempts and more, but we're committed to seeking healing and freedom.
If you're like us and want to seek help, we are cheering you on! For you this might look like scheduling a meeting with a counsellor or therapist in your area (here's an article about finding a therapist that works for you), attending a recovery meeting such as Celebrate Recovery, or reaching out to your community and asking for their help, prayers, and accountability.
Know that you are not alone. We are here for you and we support you!
About the Author
Meka is a mother, wife, author, and encourager. She is the founder of She Endures, a blog that speaks freely about Jesus, mental illness, motherhood, and more! Through her blog and her book, A Girl, Her God & Her Depression she aims to help every woman understand they are welcomed by a loving Father. Stop by her website and say ‘hi’ today!